These past few days were not so great. I just felt like I’m just emotionally battered. (In an emo way) Although there were some good things that happened, like transferring to a new home, this week I felt like degraded, insulted, rejected, mocked, criticized, laughed and most of all, belittled. I have encountered these things before but I just realized the word “enough” existed after at all. Before, I used to ignore spiny rocks thrown at me, now, I still ignore them but trying to jerk a little bit to avoid being hit. No matter how hard I avoided, I still get hit! The rocks thrown at me were big. They were painful and intense that ‘calloused’ my skin and my face and made me ignore them. Because of this callous, every hit becomes bearable.
Now, I realize that as time goes by, these rocks keep on hitting me and instead of making more callous, they seem to scratch them and make then thinner. Day by day, week by week, they generate a tiny small sensation. This sensation grows into pain and makes me realized that the spines on the rocks are getting in to my nerves- my nerves!
Because the pain gets greater and greater, I manage to avoid them and develop a skill and talent to avoid them all. But as I get better in getting rid of these hits, the rock thrown at me are getting bigger and bigger, they get more and more, the spine get longer and longer and start to annoy me. I still manage to stay calm despite of these shits thrown at me. So what I do, I make a cloth that helps me bare the pain. I cover my body with that cloth so I won’t have to jerk and look stupid. In other words, I keep silent while they do it, pretending it’s funny. It seems to pleasure them. I feel that it gives them a feeling of dominance, a feeling of superiority- a king and queen and I’m their servant. They throw their insulting words at my wearing callous, which now makes me sick and tired. Unfortunately, the cloth doesn’t work anymore. THE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GREAT! Hahaha.
I want to fight back but there no sense if doing it. I know for a fact that I’m way… way… way... better than them! They maybe better with “a title” that they’re aiming for but I am always better than them in most aspects of life. So why the fuck am I ranting and raving here? It’s because it feels sick. You know, it’s the feeling of being called a retard. I was told that I’m a retard in with no hesitation, eye-to-eye: “YOU ARE A RETARD!”
Despite all these things that they do to me, I love them. Yes, I do. I feel like they’re just giving me advices indirectly. Like, telling me to change. Like, “hey, grow up”, “hey, be smart”, “hey, be responsible”, “hey, stay hygienic cause you’re dirty”. They’re giving me unsolicited advices which I hate since the day I was born. Unsolicited advices are not welcome. My apologies. Love myself so much that I will never change just for you. I will never change unless I say so. No one can tell me how to live my life, especially you because your life sucks. It’s boring. Just so you know. I don’t even admire you- inside and out. And I would rather be me than you. You’re no Elvis. You’re no Jesus. You’re no answer. Wash your hands off - megalomaniac.
SORRY. JUST RANTING AND RAVING. ciao
now it feels better.. sigh
